The Six Dimensions are:
Shattered Inner World – In this initial dimension, the four core beliefs (the world is benign and a source of pleasure; the world is meaningful, controllable, and just; people are trustworthy and worth relating to; and the self is worthy, lovable, good, and competent) are threatened by the traumatic event(s) of betrayal. This has been compared to the trauma of finding your house burned down and losing all of your belongings.
Life Crisis – The disparity between belief and reality that develops after the discovery of the addiction causes the trauma symptoms discussed in Part One of our discussion with Marnie in Episode 21. This dimension can include wondering who to tell and where to get help, making childcare arrangements, handling other aspects of daily life that have been shaken, and the uncertainty of whether the threat of betrayal continues.
Existential Trauma – In this dimension, the partner loses faith in their own ability to make decisions, questions the core beliefs around which they have created meaning, begins to approach this “new world” with distrust and fear, and experiences damage to the relationship with self. This can be the dimension that takes the longest to heal during the process.
Emotional Trauma – This involves the patterns of emotional abuse (lying, deceiving, manipulating) used by the addict to keep their secret. Emotional trauma can be overt (rage, yelling, etc.) or covert (sophisticated attack patterns in which the anger is less obvious because the addict casts blame or makes the partner feel crazy, which can be known as “gaslighting”).
Sexual Trauma – Neglecting to address the partner’s sexual trauma makes later restoration and healing more challenging, so it is crucial for their feelings to be validated and their responses to be normalized.
Relational Trauma – In this dimension of trauma, the addict must build the skill of empathy and understand that relational healing will take a lot of time and patience. There are no shortcuts to relational healing after the drastic rupture of betrayal that has occurred.
The steps for partner healing are contingent on their basic background: Do they have children? Are they married to the addict who betrayed them? Do they have a history of abuse? Do they have a mental illness that will need to be factored into their healing process?
The first step for partner healing is to reach out for help. This could be difficult because of the fear of what others will think, but the shock and crisis that the partner is experiencing necessitate external help. A primary purpose of this initial counseling is to provide education to the partner about sex addiction and give words to their experiences so they know that they are not the first person to go through this.
The second step is for the partner to seek out resources such as strategies for coping, meeting with a doctor if they are in need of medication, and joining a support group. As long as the addict is also in the recovery process, it is a good idea for their therapist to collaborate with the partner’s therapist in order to provide both partners with the proper context in their communications.
The third step is for the partner to come up with a list of what they need in order to feel safe in the relationship if the individuals have decided to restore their relationship. This list of boundaries and needs as well as consequences for boundary-crossing is helpful for both partners to adhere to during the healing process.
The fourth step is for the partner to identify the losses they have suffered because of the betrayal so that they can adequately grieve or mourn and be able to move on.
Finally, the partner’s counseling and healing process should involve different modalities which will heal the nervous system.
For more information about the “Helping Couples Heal” 2-day workshop focusing on the Six Dimensions discussed in this podcast as well as providing tools to heal the relationship hosted by the Center for Relational Healing, visit http://lacrh.com/workshops-and-groups/.
Helping Couples Heal Podcast
Due to the strong response to these episodes, Marnie Breecker and I decided to start a podcast that directly speaks to betrayal and relational trauma. Click the button below to learn more or search for “helping couples heal” in your podcast app.
Duane,
Amazing podcast. These 2 podcasts really spoke to me and put into words the feelings I have been experiencing. Thanks so much.
Lenore
Thank you for listening and I am so glad that they were helpful to you.
Thank you for listening. I am so happy that it was helpful.
I am grateful to come across these Podcasts. My therapists (individual and couple) are amazing. I would like to share this with them just to say “wow, thanks for your help”. Do you think it’s a good idea ? 🙂
Hi Ren, I think it is beautiful to share your gratitude. I know as a therapist I appreciate when my clients give me feedback, positive or negative.
Just heard these podcasts & they have encouraged me to move forward with more focus & hope in rebuilding/rediscovering our relationship.. Thank you
Glad these have helped Bob. Hope often points to the doors we would otherwise not see without it.
These 2 podcasts have been of invaluable help to me. Thank you and Marnie very much. The 6 dimensions were spot on. I wish I had learned about them earlier in my recovery process, so I would understand that I had not gone crazy, and so I could grasp the journey I had ahead of me. I have shared this podcast widely in the hope that others will find this podcast when they are closer to their traumatic discovery day. Known as DDay to many of of us living through the nightmare of partner betrayal.
Thank you, Misha, for sharing this with others. I hope that is helpful for others out there that are struggling to find support.
I was date raped by my husband twice before marriage. This blew it back up after 37 years
Now we’ve been married 39 years
Separated 18 months
Husband in denial… hasn’t done much for himself or me for healing. No empathy
He has had depression his whole life
Thank you Kathryn for sharing. Please reach out to a therapist or counselor for support. Look at apsats.org or iitap.com. There is healing
I’m looking for the PDF of the six traumas
Awesome woman. If I lived in California I would go see her immediately
These are fantastic insights into the trauma experienced by a betrayed spouse. I was shocked at how clueless most therapists were with this.
My only quibble is the use of pronouns, which seem to assume all cheaters and sex addicts are men and all victims are women. This is hardly the norm any more.
Hi Todd,
I think that is so true, I know we address this issue in our new podcast Helping Couple Heal. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about it.