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Our guest today is Marnie Breecker from the Center for Relational Healing in Los Angeles. In this first episode of a two-part series on the topic of relational and betrayal trauma, we will be defining what this type of trauma looks like and its impacts on both partners in the relationship.
As a sex addiction therapist and a marriage and family therapist, Marnie is an expert identifying and assessing the traumatic impact of the discovery of infidelity or betrayal on relationships as a whole and the individuals involved. She shares with us that two types of trauma affected partners go through: the trauma of discovery and the trauma of their response to the betrayal.
It is very rare for addicts to come forward for help on their own, so it is likely that the partner has discovered the betrayal either intentionally or unintentionally through their partner’s computer history, text messages, or receipts and bank statements. Upon this initial discovery of betrayal, the partner can exhibit symptoms of depression, shock, anger, hypervigilance, isolating behavior, lifestyle changes such as beginning to smoke or drink, and a general questioning of everything they thought was true before this discovery. When the partner’s expectations are violated, they lose trust in their partner as well as themselves, and they begin seeking safety in a variety of ways because they feel that they cannot trust their senses.
After the initial trauma of discovery has run its course, partners often go through a time of trauma about their response to the betrayal, extending their questioning of everything they thought was true as well as noticing ways that their lifestyle may have changed during the process. Common reactions to betrayal include obsession, depression, anger, hypervigilance, and rumination on the betrayal and these reactions can cause the partners to lose faith in themselves and their abilities to make rational decisions.
Marnie identified the five dimensions of trauma as emotional, sexual, existential, life crisis, and relational, so the healing process must encompass each of these dimensions. When reconciliation begins between the two partners in the relationship, it is important for the recovering addict to put in the effort to support their partner and not exasperate the trauma that they have gone through. There is always an opportunity for rupture or repair, and even in the recovery process, there are triggers that could unearth aspects of the trauma that have or have not yet been dealt with.
Though this is a tough journey, it is important to remember that it will not always be this way, there are plenty of resources to help heal from relational betrayal, and there is hope.
To find out more about Marnie and the Center for Relational Healing, visit lacrh.org or call (323) 860-9999.
There are no words to describe how grateful I am for this podcast (and the second one.) This is the first time I have truly felt validated for the trauma I am experiencing. It seems like every piece of my life has been destroyed. I have sought help for this nonstop for over two years. While doctors and therapists have been supportive, I’ve never truly felt that I was really understood or that the help I need was even available. Simply hearing your spoken words has given me my first sense of safety. Thank you for validating that this is real. I’m completely blown by the discovery that there are people who actually understand.
Claire, I so glad you found The Addicted Mind and found words for your trauma. I wish you the best in your healing. I know that with some good help you can find healing.
Thank you for this podcast. I had 2 betrayals in a short time in 2 different relationships. First husband decided he couldn’t fight the desire to be a woman. 2nd relationship:Was pursued and proposed to by a man involved with a married woman for many years before pursuing me. I was loved bombed in the 2nd relationship. I feel like this has something to do with my anxiety.I have totally withdrawn from sex. Even the thought of being intimate causes me anxiety. Is this common for the betrayed spouse? I am approx 3 years our from discovery the infidelity . I have found very little information about this.
supposedly my cheating spouse can’t perform anymore which is fine with me considering my anxiety.
Hi Country Girl, So sorry for your struggles. Processing this with a therapist you trust can really be helpful. Getting positive coping skills can help you overcome anxiety. I think betrayal trauma takes time to overcome, but getting professional help is a really good starting point.
Very good podcast that captures a very good perspective and some details related to the trauma model. Very helpful for the betrayed partners as well as the addict.
Hi Jeff, You may want to check out our other podcast specifically about betrayal trauma. I think that it is really helpful.
http://www.healpingcouplesheal.com